Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
It was confusing and full of hummus
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
She bit a glass in half.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
