We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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