My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
