I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
