I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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