Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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