i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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