Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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