I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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