I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
