he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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