If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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