well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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