im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
