if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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