you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
