Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
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