the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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