I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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