FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
