I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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