He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
It's blow job season.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
