We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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