Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
