I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We are two peas in an std pod
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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