you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
