Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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