I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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