I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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