Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
