I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
