took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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