Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
