yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
