Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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