i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
