im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
