Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
