6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
