He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
