I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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