Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
