I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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