she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
