Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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