and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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