toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
