So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
