I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
