her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
