yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Pants are for mortals
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
