he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
