the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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