We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
