Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
3pm strippers are depressing
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
