If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
