ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
