I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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