Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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