dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
it glows. i had to have it.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
