just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
